Shopping!

A lot of people see shopping as fun, something they enjoy and makes them feel good. It is a stress buster, makes you feel good as you are spending on yourself and it consumes time like nothing. Shopping could be one of the top ways to kill boredom. And yes, you have the latest trends, you look cool in a group, stand out if you have bold choices, and gives you a reason to deck up. So what is wrong with it? Looks perfect right?

I was one of them until 21st Dec 2023. As I wore the brand new clothes for my birthday a small realization changed my view on shopping forever. 

Just to give you a feel of my shopping craze, I have 25+ pairs of shoes, 15+ of caps, 50+ trousers, 25+ shorts, 20+ tracks, 15+ traditional/party wear and an uncountable number of tees and shirts. Before you think I'm an addict, let me tell you that all these were not bought recently, I have collected them over a decade or more. The advantage of not changing waist or shirt size for over a decade now (yes I am boasting now, when you have it, flaunt it :D), I did not have to discard clothes at all. The trends change and come back if you wait long enough. So thanks to my amazing genes and the craze for shopping, I had hoarded a lot of stuff.

On the day of my birthday, I saw I had over 5 shirts and a couple of trousers with the tag on, two of them were from UK, yes, bought 7 yrs ago. This madness had to stop, purely for my laziness. Yes, I just don't want to arrange my wardrobe and I think am old enough now coz mum is not helping (aka doing everything) me with that anymore :) 

So as one of my new year resolutions, I decided not to shop for the entire year. Like all resolutions, I expected it to not start or dwindle away in a few weeks. 

But for this one, I had a plan and I hope it worked. 

1. I sorted my new clothes out to tell me that I have enough new ones for festivals/occasions and my birthday. Yes, I have always had new stuff for my birthday, it is a ritual I don't want to break.

2. I donated the clothes, shoes I definitely did not want to wear. It made more space for the ones hidden to be seen. Suddenly, I had a big wardrobe to choose from. 

3. Made a routine to use the ones from the bottom to rotate it. I have not got this right yet, but it is a journey and ill get there

4. The old ones fitted well giving me a good feel of being in a similar size range. This in turn motivates to workout and maintain it. Again, something I have to get better at.

It was going well and I was able to goto shops with family and friends but avoid buying for myself. I was boasting about my resistance and was surprised by how liberating not shopping felt. 

Then came by biggest test, the last wedding of my generation in my family. It was a big event and everyone went mad with shopping. Like 6 different occasions, loads of pics to take, themes to stick to, etc. Thankfully I had spent over 3 months away from shopping which helped me not get swayed into buying. Again, there was a plan, I dug out all the party/occasion wear I had and put it on display. It was so much, I could manage 4 weddings without repeating. The challenge was to stick to themes where I can and if I couldn't, charm my way by looking like a highlight. 

Me and charm, what can I say, its a part of me ;)

When I went shopping for kiddo, I did get tempted to try a fancy coat but decided against it. The problem with fancy stuff is the lack of reusability, it is a one-time wear and collects dust forever. 

I can proudly say that I managed the wedding without spending even a single rupee in shopping for myself. Something I never thought was possible.

Now that I am 5 months into it, it feels one of the best decisions I made. I have realized shopping is never a stress buster, actually it adds to your stress if it is left loose. You not only spend a lot of hard-earned money but also time, effort and most importantly energy on it. Yes, the energy to choose from the million choices you have, to travel, to plan what you need, to match things, etc. You do not realize how much time and effort goes into it until you stop doing it. 

Stopping shopping has given me so much time and energy back, it feels like a boon. What I am doing with that time and energy is still WIP, but sleeping or lazing around is a good way to conserve energy I feel :))

Clothing being the 2nd most polluting industry, not shopping gives the environmentalist in me a sense of achievement. Yes, I have surprised myself as I never thought I had that kind of grit in me. I did not step into a shop on my trip to UK which was unheard of (I was so used to shopping there, I have bought truckloads and still have a few with tags on). 

It has changed my thoughts on wasting time and helped me think of using it in better ways. I have never liked malls but off late I do not goto clothes stores, I choose book stalls, art (roadside or shops), or just sitting somewhere and chilling even if it means I am just with my thots.

But the biggest impact it has on me is this feeling of liberation. Yes, I feel liberated from the pressure to go with the crowd, liberated from looking a certain way, liberated from outside approval and helped me feel better about myself. I have appreciated the stuff I have and relish them, almost remembering the good times that were spent in them. Instead of buying anything and everything, it has made me think about what I actually need. This along with other life changes (by choice or not) have made me prioritize things better and given me a sense of value.

I actually feel I know what I want and what does not matter. I am trying to spend time and energy on it and stick to it even if I fail miserably at times :)) 

While I say that, I did get something new. I dint buy it and refused it so many times but my cousin insisted on it and I had to budge. When I was helping him shop shoes, we saw this amazing cap that looked very cool on us. He got one and forced me to get one. TBH, I would not have bought it on my own not coz of the resolution, I Have too many caps and this one was too expensive (I don't spend that much on shoes nowadays :D) . I still got it coz my cousin pushed me a lot to get it and it actually looked cool on me. 

And with my new glasses and new shirt I had saved for the occasions, I can humbly admit that I rock it :)

I am not saying that we should stop shopping completely, I don't think I will. I just want to be aware on the money, time and energy I am spending on it and make it a conscious choice. Buy things you actually like and will use them multiple times. I genuinely feel I have control over it and can confidently 'my view on shopping has changed forever'. 

I never knew shopping or the lack of it could help me so much. Try it out, you are worth it!

PS: Unlike what the t-shirt says, it think it should be 'a few special things' :)

La-pata Ladies!

 This one was long pending not coz I was busy or dint have the zeal to write but simple problem of not having a habit. Strange that creating a habit is so hard, but once done, it will last for long. And then breaking from a habit is even harder, no matter how much you try, you fall back into the same old things. Anyways, as long as you are aware of such habits and are thinking about it, you will keep trying to get there. It is ok if it takes yrs, it is not a race :) 

With that totally unrelated context, here we go. Some movies or stories are so simple but yet leave such an impact that they make you think differently. You might not do anything about it most times but it will make you see a different perspective. I saw a movie called 'Laapata Ladies' which actually gave me a very different thought than what most people who saw the movie might have gotten out of it. I almost left writing about it but another movie 'Tarla' made me revisit it. 

So, talking about Tarla Dalal, a housewife who wanted to do 'kuch' out of her life managed to teach cooking to millions of people and help them get things done. "How does learning cooking help get things done?" you might ask? Simple, in India, women not knowing how to cook well is like men not being able to earn or even worse. It is still true to a certain level (super 'successful' women might be an exception, but I doubt it) but in the 90s it was the most important thing. You are looked down on, almost discarded from everything, and are considered not contributing to the family. By learning to cook well, women were able to convince their families about being good mother/daughter-in-law/wife and were allowed to do things that they liked. It is like bribing to get permission to follow something they like (for example being a journalist, continuing dance, working, etc). 

And this taking 'permission' is what made me think about 'Laapataa Ladies' again. Ok, too much of context setting, lets get into the movie first and then my perspective (for the millions of people reading this blog might be bored 'F**k, get to the fuckin point!!!'). 

The movie is about 2 married couples (almost a decade ago when landlines were the main way of communication and very few mobiles were there) traveling back to the groom's village on a train with many newly wedded couples. In a hurry to get down, the main character Deepak grabs someone else's bride Pushpa (thanks to the ghoonghat 'vale' covering her face) and reaches his house to realize it is not his wife. His wife Phook Kumari wakes up later only to realize she is lost.

Phool has never traveled outside her area and hardly knows things about her husband. She knows his village is named after a flower, that's it, no contact info and idea how to get there. She does not want to go back to her village as she is scared people might think she was sent back from her in-law's place and her family will get insulted. She finds a tea shop owner in the station who is a true feminist and helps her for a few days.

Deepak badly wants to find Phool but does not want to tell her family about losing her which will create a big conflict. Instead, he reaches out to the police for help who take him on a ride.

Pushpa who seems to be acting dumb gives a phone number of her village which doesn't work. While they are searching for her village or groom, she is busy going to the nearest town and taking care of a few things.

I would leave the rest of the story for you to watch. It is well represented and shows a good difference in perspectives between different people about a woman's role in society. Well-made simple, sweet, and funny movie.

I just wanted to highlight a few things and look at a different perspective about women in rural India.

- When Deepak gives a police complaint, he gives a picture of Phool in her 'ghoonghat', the face is not seen in any of the pics he has. Such is a situation in many households where the women are not supposed to show their faces, they are hidden from the rest of the men. There is a scene where a Muslim shopkeeper was shocked that Deepak does not have a pic with a face and his wife in a 'bhurka' serves him tea. Just shows it is not restricted to one community. It has changed a lot in some places and worsened in few. 

- Pushpa was not allowed to study more as it is seen as 'ladki haat see nikal jaayegi'. She has a passion for agriculture and wants to learn organic farming but has no way to do it as her mom threatens to commit suicide if she doesn't get married. It is all about how the society will judge their family. A lot of people still think like this but is changing fast, there are more women completing 10th than men in India

- The tea shop owner talks about something so important. Women don't realize how they are contributing to the household and men will not talk about it. This made me think about my village. Almost all women in my village go to work on the farms, it could be on their own farms or as an 'coolie' daily wage workers for others, they earn their money and help the family. Thanks to alcohol and other addictions, many men do not provide for their families and it is the women who run. This is true in urban cities also. It is the women who take care of everything, dream of a better life and work relentlessly to get there. So, what is stopping them from going out there and showing their presence? It is 'maryada', it is about 'what will the society think, how can I tell my hubby is useless?'. Somewhere we need to think about the need for society, It should be to support when needed rather than to judge when things are not 'right'.

So, this is my perspective on this topic. Rural women do way more than anyone in the cities (especially men in the cities), even with all their restrictions, lack of support, and constant demotivation. They are much more independent than we think. Yes, they might not know their husband's village name but they go out in the dark for toilets, to work in farms, have their small businesses, they fend from predators (men can be assholes and even though judiciary rules are there, the society rules are against women), they fight for their kids future,  are bold enough to travel and survive in an unknown place, make a living out of it. Im sure you might think I am going a bit too far with 'Rural women do way more than anyone in the cities' but I genuinely feel that is true. I have seen many women and men who do not take public transport or travel late, considering it unsafe. Many urban women quit work after some time for various reasons causing a huge loss of knowledge and workforce. I have seen rural women travel from villages and go back daily. It is just the lack of experience and not fear that is holding them back. With the right awareness and guidance, there is so much more they can offer and I am truly excited about the revolution the rural women can bring to our society. I am not putting down urban women or anyone else here, I am just looking at the potential we have in rural India.

Yes, the movie did not make me feel bad for our rural women, it made me look forward to what they will achieve. Yes, they will achieve, I can bet on it!

PS: I dint know what the title should be. I called it 'La-pata' with the hope that we would go in search of such ladies to learn from them.

Meant to be!

 Some things are just meant to be and come in your life at the right time, not before, nor late.

Just to give a background N has been a dear friend of mine for over 16 years now and we have spent a lot of time traveling, trekking, etc. He was my flatmate for over a year and is family to me. He and his wife 'S' were the closest to me in Liverpool and my only family there. So much so that kiddo's first sleepover was in their house when he was just 18 months old. Coincidence is that N was the one who got me to work on the project in Liverpool and we both left UK at the same time, he took a transfer to US and I returned to India.

He and his family have been followers of amma and have been associated with the ashram for decades. His wife has been visiting the ashram for over 34 yrs now and was almost raised by amma :) One different thing about them was they never spoke or marketed the ashram, they are very chill and as normal as you can find. Only when you ask, do they get to the details of Amma and the ashram. I have heard a lot of things about amma, especially the spirituality part and philanthropy (seva bhaav). She has helped many villages in times of crisis like earthquakes, floods, tsunamis, etc. The one thing that I was keen to see was how Amma manages to smile and greet people with her hugs for long periods like sometimes it is for over 24 hours. I used to wonder how is it humanely possible to be happy and energetic constantly. I have been wanting to meet amma for over 15 yrs now but somehow it did not happen. 

A couple of weeks back N was in town and I spent 3 days with him just meeting old friends and chatting about work and family. When he mentioned his family will be in the ashram for a week, a thot came to my mind of visiting. I had planned leaves to spend time with cousins and if that didn't materialize, I could do something else. Strangely nothing happened with cousins and I just instinctively booked my tickets to Kerala to visit on my own. I dint have any plans (very unlike me) other than to visit amma and N's wife. I dint care how I got there and managed to get 2SL train to Kochi which surprisingly was a good journey.

N picked me up and took me to his sister's place to freshen up. The conversation with his sis and her hubby was so good, all spiritual but practical people, a good combination for discussions. She being a foodie like me, suggested a small hotel in Allepey that served the best buttermilk. The food, fish, and buttermilk were so good, I ended up eating a lot. Like 5 fish fry and a liter of buttermilk, thanks to which i was full for the rest of the day :D

The ashram is on a fisherman's island with one side to the coast and the other side backwaters. It is a simple village with loads of coconut trees and a nice tree cover making it pleasant. The ashram itself is very simple, much more than what I had imagined. There were no big fancy prayer halls, grand temples, or big courtyards. It has grown organically from a small house where amma was born and raised to few buildings, temple, prayer halls, canteens, etc. Nothing fancy, simple rooms with basic needs. We quickly registered and settled in N's parent's room. After freshening up, we went to the meditation hall where amma helps with meditation and bhajans (Everyone can see amma up close on the stage and if they wanted to meet her personally, one needed to go thru the darshan queue). I dono if it was the place or lack of sleep, I was very drowsy and could hardly concentrate. I was very frustrated with my meditation skills. Then it was bhajan time and my love for music and singing got me going. The songs were simple yet effective and helped me enjoy the atmosphere. After that it was darshan time with amma. I forgot to tell that Tue is not normal darshan time, it is for newcomers and others. The ashram has a rule of not more than 2 darshans of amma in a month, I realized the reason for it later.

As i was a newcomer, N took me to the coordinators to get me in the darshan line. Before he realized, I was on the stage seated 2 seats next to amma. One can ask any question to amma and a brahmachari (bri) translator is assigned to help with the conversation. I had given Kannada as my language and a bri assigned to me was looking for me to help translate. I had left the phone in the room and she was not able to reach me. On stage, she somehow found me and asked if I had any questions. I was so blank that I dint think of a question but I dint want to disappoint her and asked bri 'How can i stop overthinking and enjoy the present'. As amma understands Kannada, Bri suggested I ask the question direct to amma. As I got closer, i was filled with joy. Everyone around me was happy, smiling, calm, and helped with anything I wanted. within 5 mins of being with N, I was kneeling in front of amma. She gave me a tight hug and whispered 'my child' in my ear a few times. When I asked my question she laughed and answered in Malayalam. Bri helped me in translating but I was so overwhelmed with joy, I couldn't understand. The crux was for me to put the effort in sadhana and learn to stop thinking, there is not straight answer. I sat behind amma for a few mins just seeing the people who meet her. Almost everyone was smiling or crying, the emotions were high and amma met them with a genuine smile and hug. 

I got down from the stage and met N who was shocked that my darshan was so quick, never in his entire life he has seen it so fast. When I proudly said 'I got darshan in 10 mins', N answered 'it actually took 15yrs and 10 mins' :D

Next morning, I visited the beach and sat there for few mins looking at the waves, my fav beach timepass. Later me and N visited the Ayurvedic hospital next to the ashram and I got some medicine for my headache. The doctor said 'sleep and bowel movement is the key indicator of good health' :D At noon we picked up S from the station, had lunch and returned to the ashram.

When S asked me if I want to go to darshan again I said no. I had seen amma sit for 8 hrs straight without moving and greeting everyone and talking to them. I had just met her yday and did not want to take her time, I felt guilty about using her time. S suggested if I want to take a mantra for chanting from amma as I wanted to get better at meditation. That felt reasonable, I could see amma from up close again. I went on stage with S and was asked to wait for some time as the darshan for others had started. I was really taken aback by the kind of strong emotions people felt around amma. Finally, I went to ask about mantra and one of the head bri gave me a card with the instructions. During tht amma saw me and called me closer and gave me the card. It was her way of saying I am ready for it :)

I had to wait for darshan to complete which was late, almost 1am. I was surprised how amma could sit such long hrs without a trace of fatigue and an ever-lasting smile. About the mantra, it is not about religion but spirituality. All these days I was made to believe that we should chant only when we have had a bath, not eating meat, in a clean environment. One of the reasons I could not get fully into it was the lack of such an environment in day-to-day life. Here the instructions were different. First, you choose the deity (eshta devata) for chanting, it could be any god including Jesus or Allah or nature (is it about your wish rather than religion). 

When the time came for mantra, we followed a queue to meet amma. Normally amma chanta the mantra in your ears and hugs you. With me, she not only chanted my eshta devata SHIVA mantra but also spoke to me for a few seconds, like how she does during darshana time. She remembered me from yday and knew I had come from far and wanted me to have the experience. S and N were shocked to see how I was treated differently and the experience amma wanted me to have. I had to wait for a senior swamiji to help us with the next steps of the mantra. There was supposed to be someone to explain in English but due to confusion, that samiji had left. So the seniormost swamiji had to finish the instructions in Malayalam and then get to us (me and one more) to explain in English. He started with a sorry for making us wait which was so humble coming from him. At that moment I felt the down-to-earth, not throwing-your-weight culture of the ashram. All were treated the same, all were humble and all did seva. The swamiji explained 4 things:

1. Chant the mantra wherever you can and whenever you can, amma will guide you. You can chant anywhere, while taking a bath, before sleeping, driving, exercising, etc, what matters is finding calmness in day-to-day life. 

2. Find the good in ppl, there are at least 2 good things in all, we just need to find it and respect them for that. Even a terrorist has 2 good things, his passion and love for his religion and family

3. Taking a mantra is like accepting amma as a guru, a spiritual guide. And for this, you need to give guru Dakshina. The most beautiful thing I found about this was the guru Dakshina. Amma asks her disciples to help at least 2 people in need as guru dakshina, yes, to wipe the tears of others and nothing else :)

4. Do it with a smile, be happy, let go of bad thots and try to smile

I returned to the room and was chatting with N & S about the experience and how nice it felt. The best part was that I had not planned anything, I just went by my instincts and took this journey. They were very happy about my experience and were surprised about the way i was treated in the ashram. Amma did make it more than worth it for me. That is when S said 'it was meant to be'!!!

I have a long way to go in my spiritual journey and to seek the answer to my question 'How can i stop overthinking and enjoy the present'. Bri found out from S that I did not understand amma's answer and texted me 

'Namah Shivaya,

Amma said that whether we laugh or cry days are going to pass by. So why not make a firm decision to be happy. Like all other decisions, happiness is also a decision.

If you tell your beloved, I will love you tomorrow at 12 pm sharp, it is not possible. Love cannot be planned. It is spontaneous, it has to come naturally. 

Once you have understood the Tatvam- the spiritual essence or the underlying principle, living in the present moment will come naturally. You should put in the effort, Self- effort is important.' 

I feel I am on a good path to finding happiness in the present. I have always been a happy person and chose to be happy at the worst of times. It is time to take it forward live in the present and let the overthinking go :)

PS: this is not a write-up to preach about amma or the ashram or anything else. I am just sharing my experience of the place and it could be very different from others. I have never been a believer in divine people and have been skeptical about godly sadhus. I have heard stories about money involved and how people are brainwashed. I found the ashram nothing like this. Surprisingly, there was not a single place for donation/hundi in the ashram, not even in the temple. There were no expectations of money, the only ask was to help the needy :)

The only thing I would preach here is to make a decision, a decision to be happy :)

Om Namah Shivaya!!!

Route 66

Yesterday I was driving on the new Mysore expressway which is absolutely brilliant. What used to take min 2 hrs from NICE Road Junction to Mysore Ring Road is now around an hr. The road is straight and can do decent speed. Thanks to this, there is no need for breaks and you can reach Mysore in 2 hrs from home. 👌

I had my family in the car and was explaining to kiddo how bad it was before and how it should have been done 2 decades ago. My aunt quickly pointed out that the old road was supporting so many businesses and all of it was ruined. 😞

I suddenly realized we have created a Route 66 situation where the express highway kinda killed the old route. I dono much about this but remember watching cars cartoons and feeling for those old motels, Tyre shops etc that ran out of business 😞. Thanks to this new Mysore highway, the old restaurants, toy stores, and other shops are almost gone. Some of the famous places are now deserted or abandoned 😞

For the next 30 mins, I went back in time remembering the places we used to visit. Like the Kamat Lokaruchi near Janapada Loka for the Kotte idli or Bidadi tatte idli... Rangantittu/KRS deviation or Kokkare Bellur or Shivapurada Satyagraha Soudha in Maddur, Baburayana Koppal non-veg food, Srirangapatna Kaveri Brigde, Mandya town chaos, Channapatna toy shopst, Maddur Tiffany's for the best Maddur vada and Mysore pak. I have god some really good memorable things from that road.

It kind of felt bad that the old route has died and with it the small businesses it supported. The cultural differences of each town on the way, the milestones reminded us of the progress made and the distance to go... all of it is replaced by a straight road. Tbh I felt bad about the old route but also felt good that the new one is great for Mysore. I just hope in a few yrs ppl will realize that the old route had much more to experience and will be ok to spend extra time once in a while to feel that 🤗

As my soul says "Yes it's the eternal tension between old and new. Old has its charms, familiarity, all the known curves and edges, no need to be adventurous and be surprised by things. Enjoy the nostalgia and reconnecting with the familiar and well loved parts of life.🙂❤️"

Journey with books! - End of 2023

A mere resolution that was not planned to last long is thriving thanks to some simple steps, determination, and guidance. What started as a thought is now a plan in motion. So here is the target - 30 books this year and a stretch of 50 books ;)

With 9 books by 3rd March, I am no track I must say :) Instead of mein aur meir tanhayi, it is mein aur meri books!!!

1. Sophia - probably the most uninterested book I ever read. And picking this as my first one was wrong. But thinking back, it was the best decision. It was gruelling and dragging for 3 weeks but it made my determination stronger to read for 20-30 mins a day.

Then came the Jane o'Hare series, what a savior it was. I loved Jane and Nick as characters and the hating attracting chemistry between them. And the cons they pulled off were fun to read but not believable, but who cares.

2. The Heist by Janet Evanovich; Lee Goldberg

3. The Chase by Janet Evanovich; Lee Goldberg

4. The Shell Game by Janet Evanovich; Lee Goldberg

5. The Job by Janet Evanovich; Lee Goldberg

6. Art of War - managed to squeeze this in on a boring morning in office 

James Patterson's Mike Bennett series started slow but the 2nd book was great given the personal story was attached. Few pages made me emotional.

7. Run for your life - James Patterson

8. Step on a Crack - James Patterson

9. The Guide - R K Narayan - good book, I have not watched the full movie so felt the book was a decent read

10. When the wind blows - James Patterson, decent read about scientific experiment kids, was definitely fat, finished it in 3 days. 

11. The grand finale Janet Evanovich, a too good to be true romantic book. But the chemistry was good, decent read and was done in 1 day. Not bad speed. 

12. Deception Point - After a long break and difficult month, finally finished this book. It was a ok read, nothing like Dan Brown's previous books.

13. SAIL James Patterson- decent read, did have some good bits about dysfunctional family and the grit to fight. A bit too much about very cunning lawyer who got it free, too much movie style. 

14. The curious incident of the dog in the night time - very interesting book. The story starts simple with an autistic kid trying to find out who killed the neighbor's dog but it ends up talking about all the complications in his family. One of the best things about the book is how the author has taken the kids point of view and shown how autistic kids think. I was really moved by their hardship and also inspired. I also wish i could think as logically as them and see the world in black and white. Definitely a good read. 

15. Sapiens (audiobook) was awesome, just incredible way of putting human history and the coincidence of homo sapiens surviving. A must-read book for all. Loved the last line about humans having super power 'imagine a unhappy God who didn't know what he wants' the future is so scary when you see it from this angle!

16. You are my best friend - total crap, not worth even 1st page read. I went by the title and it was nowhere close to decent. Author's expectations and ways of being with best friend is just so mediocre :D

17. Don't Believe Everything You Think was ok ok, mainly talking about how overthinking dosnt help.

19. I know you got soul - Clarkson, was a brilliant book about some of the best man-made machines. He can actually put life into a machine and see them as living beings. And his sense of humor makes it even more fun the read.

20. Palace of Illusions - really good view from Draupadi point of view

11. It Ends with us - good book, liked the way it was written. Specially the abusive parts and how it impacts people was hard-hitting. I am so glad I did not see any of it growing up which made me a better person.

22. It starts with us - it was ok, again the troubles of separation and how to draw a line made sense. It helped in understand how overthinking makes things really hard.

23. The Last Queen - incredible book, really good story about the last Punjab queen and how she went from rags to being a queen and how she fought her battles. Worth reading.

24. The hidden hindu - Part 1 - i found it very bad, not worth mentioning.

Small Things!

 Sometimes small things can make such big differences that you might be shocked. It can trigger something that can help you do things which you thought was never possible. 

I have always sucked at writing on my plans. Resolutions are something I have made many times but couldn't follow it thru will. I have always found a reason to bail out of them. 

This year was a bit different, I somehow decided to have few tangible ones and wanted to stick to them as long as I can.

One of them was reading, nothing more than a few pages a day. The first book I picked was really bad. It was so uninteresting that I dint even remember most of the book. But i stuck to reading even when I felt I can't. Somehow managed to finish it after 3 weeks.

Then came a recommendation of a book after review of my interests. The trust was so much that I picked up 4 books from the series. And yeah, they were great. 

I was so engrossed that I knocked them 4 really quick. Then another small book in between and then started another one from a series. Looking back I am on my 8th book since Jan 1st 😀 

Now that I'm in a flow, I have a target. 30 books at a minimum. Given that I am on my 8th book which will be done by end of Feb, I think I am doing alright for that goal :)

So, what was the small thing that helped? First, it was the recommendation, it was just perfect, I went full throttle on these.

And then there was this small thing a beautiful kid gave to me which felt so special that I wanted to use it. And somewhere it has made a difference in my reading.

A beautiful handmade bookmark that said 'Talk to yourself like someone you Love' :) It is so simple but so powerful, I wish we all could shower ourselves with that kinda love. And you know what, even if I manage 10% of that, I will treat myself with so much love and respect that I will be enough for myself :D 

So cheers to finding such small things in life that can keep you going! And yes 'Talk to yourself like someone you Love'!!!

Company!

 This is something I have craved all the time. I have always managed to surround myself with people. Didn't matter who it was, if I get along or not (i normally get along with most people), where I am, etc. I always needed people to be around. Personal trips were always with family or friends, I have visited some completely random functions, events, etc with people who were not even close. I thot traveling in a group is fun and you have someone to talk to.

I later realized that I dint want to be alone. Looking back, I have always stayed with someone I know. I could be done distant relative, a friend's friend, a colleague, etc. Obviously, I would become really comfy with ppl and many have become really good friends. What I did not think was somewhere I was avoiding staying alone. On most of my trips from work, I knew people in the client location and I used to hang out. Australia was the only exception where I knew no one in the client but I managed to find my ex-colleague in that city and I found an apmt near his house. Obviously, food played a very important part in these decisions but it was also the fear of loneliness.

The one time I was alone in Stoke on Trent for 6 weeks I almost went mad. I dint take bath, groomed myself, or stepped out for 3 weeks. I think I didn't move from the couch other than the bathroom or food-related steps for 1 week. I was a disaster when a neighbor whose hubby was working for my client saw me like a homeless person, she sent food for a week.

Even now when I travel, I have ppl around or at the destination. I have my schedule planned to hang out.

So when this Xmas party started, I had my boss traveling with me. It was our idea to go around from Bangalore to Hyderabad and attend a close colleague's wedding in Rajahmundry. Then meet ppl in Delhi and meet a colleague's family who helped one of our onsite leaders' family in Punjab to thank them. The Punjab plan was canceled due to a hectic route. Thanks to this I added a 2-days 1 night trip to Rishikesh.

Come Wednesday evening my boss fell very ill and pulled out of the tour. I was a real mess as I was not very excited in the first place and this tour was to catch up with him. I could not cancel as we had already booked everything and the employees were waiting for us. So,  reluctantly I started the trip alone.

I reached hyd, checked in, and got to work. I called my Good friend for lunch and spent a couple of hrs. Then the office party went on too late. So I basically ended up like before with people, nothing solo.

The next day flew to Rajahmundry for the wedding. I heard another colleague was already there and I spoke to him for local details. Spent 3 hrs in the wedding hall but was chatting with friends online or calling home or working. Then came to the airport. So basically was with people.

I reached Delhi and wanted to explore. I did ask my colleagues if anyone wants to join me but dint get answers. after landing, I put my bags in the hotel and Late evening I went to explore old Delhi. The Jama masjid area was crowded like Shivajinagar on steroids. All senses were overloaded. Came back and chatted with friends and family.

The next day from morning 7 to 6pm I was out on my own. I liked wandering, eating, shop, etc. I was super occupied which meant I don't have to be alone. The evening in Delhi was great fun. Everyone was drinking and dancing. One more day filled with schedules and people.

I took the late bus to Rishikesh and reached it at 5 am. For the first time in a long, I felt I'm doing something solo. And proper traveler way with the shared hostel, shared auto, no plan, etc. I reached the hostel and had to wait for 5 hrs to check in, what do I do, immediately book an activity to utilize the time. Then I meet a few ppl whom I befriended and roamed around or had food with. One girl was accompanied for a walk and dinner, a group was around to watch the world cup finals, and there were a few hrs of alone time exploring the town. It dint feel like an alone thing.

So the last day I decided to travel alone and try to be solo for once. So woke up and went to Ganga ghats to take the peace in. I did try calling people so it was not all alone. Came back, took bath, and headed out to Vashishta gufa. I got there just to find that I'm the first visitor and the small cave has few mats to sit and meditate. I unzipped my coat, and placed my phone on silent causing some noise for the meditating priest. Tried my best to focus but had nothing. It was so distracted that I couldn't even sit for 5 mins. I got out on the river banks for a stroll.

The place was so beautiful, I was mesmerized. I had to call people to show it it was and ended up calling a few. Genuinely to show them the place than escaping being alone. After the calls/ missed calls, I wandered around to take some pics. It was beautiful. For and the first time I felt I was alone with my thoughts. And I wanted to explore that feeling. It was difficult as all I was thinking was about people. The same old what if or conflicts or dreams or future. Not a single minute of peace.

As per my schedule, I had 30 mins before I had to leave and decided I have to meditate. I removed my jacket, and shoes sat on a rock right next to the water, and got to it. In a minute I was up. I just could not sit still. With all the distractions, I felt annoyed and restless. I hated myself for that. How can I not be with myself, why do I need others or thoughts? I was demoralized and sad. Felt that I will never be comfortable with myself, and I can't face that thought.

I dint want to give up so thought of trying once more. I wandered for a few mins and sat again even if the schedule said I should leave. This time to reduce distraction I chanted OM as loud as I could, there was no one around to hear me. I wanted to stay still for 2 mins even if I have many thoughts. Just 2 mins of sitting which felt impossible. The first few secs were difficult with thoughts and wandering. And then many others came, the only different thing was that I didn't follow the thoughts. They kept coming and going. I just concentrated on the chant. I was lost for a few mins and don't remember any of the thoughts. Finally, I felt I had achieved my 2 mins of stillness and opened my eyes. The scene looked very different. It was almost monochrome with s tinge of blue, almost grey with a shade of blue. Like ash. Not kidding, it was like that all around including the water and trees. For a sec I was worried that the world had changed color. Then rationale kicked in and I realized that I was eyes closed for some time causing this. When I checked to time, It was confirmed, I was off for 20 mins. Seriously 20 mins when the target was 2 mins. The feeling was different and satisfying(not achieving the time but the actual experience), I don't know what it was but kinda empty calm, and still. Like it was just me and no one else. I was not over the moon or happy or sad or glad or anything, I was just still.

It lasted a while and I had to leave, couldn't wait for this feeling to go away. So quickly thanked mother Ganga for everything and this special experience. Prayed for my loved ones with some water in my hand and poured it back in the river. Then prayed to lord shiva for his blessings and care. Got back in my jacket shoes and headed back. In my way back,  I had thoughts but that feeling was decent to move them away.

I had a good chat, and veggie juice returned the bike and got to the hostel. Spoke to the strangers for a few mins. They were getting ready for lunch but I was running late. So did my goodbyes and headed back.

Today was different. I did a conscious decision to be alone, I wanted to spend time with myself, I tried to let my thoughts pass. And yes, I managed to do it for 20 mins. Yes, that's very short but it is a start. I guess I meditate today which is a big deal. I hope I can continue that for a long and be able to be still. After all I'm good company

PS: I might have slept off all 20 mins, who knows. The only thing was that I was chanting at the start and end :D