Company!

 This is something I have craved all the time. I have always managed to surround myself with people. Didn't matter who it was, if I get along or not (i normally get along with most people), where I am, etc. I always needed people to be around. Personal trips were always with family or friends, I have visited some completely random functions, events, etc with people who were not even close. I thot traveling in a group is fun and you have someone to talk to.

I later realized that I dint want to be alone. Looking back, I have always stayed with someone I know. I could be done distant relative, a friend's friend, a colleague, etc. Obviously, I would become really comfy with ppl and many have become really good friends. What I did not think was somewhere I was avoiding staying alone. On most of my trips from work, I knew people in the client location and I used to hang out. Australia was the only exception where I knew no one in the client but I managed to find my ex-colleague in that city and I found an apmt near his house. Obviously, food played a very important part in these decisions but it was also the fear of loneliness.

The one time I was alone in Stoke on Trent for 6 weeks I almost went mad. I dint take bath, groomed myself, or stepped out for 3 weeks. I think I didn't move from the couch other than the bathroom or food-related steps for 1 week. I was a disaster when a neighbor whose hubby was working for my client saw me like a homeless person, she sent food for a week.

Even now when I travel, I have ppl around or at the destination. I have my schedule planned to hang out.

So when this Xmas party started, I had my boss traveling with me. It was our idea to go around from Bangalore to Hyderabad and attend a close colleague's wedding in Rajahmundry. Then meet ppl in Delhi and meet a colleague's family who helped one of our onsite leaders' family in Punjab to thank them. The Punjab plan was canceled due to a hectic route. Thanks to this I added a 2-days 1 night trip to Rishikesh.

Come Wednesday evening my boss fell very ill and pulled out of the tour. I was a real mess as I was not very excited in the first place and this tour was to catch up with him. I could not cancel as we had already booked everything and the employees were waiting for us. So,  reluctantly I started the trip alone.

I reached hyd, checked in, and got to work. I called my Good friend for lunch and spent a couple of hrs. Then the office party went on too late. So I basically ended up like before with people, nothing solo.

The next day flew to Rajahmundry for the wedding. I heard another colleague was already there and I spoke to him for local details. Spent 3 hrs in the wedding hall but was chatting with friends online or calling home or working. Then came to the airport. So basically was with people.

I reached Delhi and wanted to explore. I did ask my colleagues if anyone wants to join me but dint get answers. after landing, I put my bags in the hotel and Late evening I went to explore old Delhi. The Jama masjid area was crowded like Shivajinagar on steroids. All senses were overloaded. Came back and chatted with friends and family.

The next day from morning 7 to 6pm I was out on my own. I liked wandering, eating, shop, etc. I was super occupied which meant I don't have to be alone. The evening in Delhi was great fun. Everyone was drinking and dancing. One more day filled with schedules and people.

I took the late bus to Rishikesh and reached it at 5 am. For the first time in a long, I felt I'm doing something solo. And proper traveler way with the shared hostel, shared auto, no plan, etc. I reached the hostel and had to wait for 5 hrs to check in, what do I do, immediately book an activity to utilize the time. Then I meet a few ppl whom I befriended and roamed around or had food with. One girl was accompanied for a walk and dinner, a group was around to watch the world cup finals, and there were a few hrs of alone time exploring the town. It dint feel like an alone thing.

So the last day I decided to travel alone and try to be solo for once. So woke up and went to Ganga ghats to take the peace in. I did try calling people so it was not all alone. Came back, took bath, and headed out to Vashishta gufa. I got there just to find that I'm the first visitor and the small cave has few mats to sit and meditate. I unzipped my coat, and placed my phone on silent causing some noise for the meditating priest. Tried my best to focus but had nothing. It was so distracted that I couldn't even sit for 5 mins. I got out on the river banks for a stroll.

The place was so beautiful, I was mesmerized. I had to call people to show it it was and ended up calling a few. Genuinely to show them the place than escaping being alone. After the calls/ missed calls, I wandered around to take some pics. It was beautiful. For and the first time I felt I was alone with my thoughts. And I wanted to explore that feeling. It was difficult as all I was thinking was about people. The same old what if or conflicts or dreams or future. Not a single minute of peace.

As per my schedule, I had 30 mins before I had to leave and decided I have to meditate. I removed my jacket, and shoes sat on a rock right next to the water, and got to it. In a minute I was up. I just could not sit still. With all the distractions, I felt annoyed and restless. I hated myself for that. How can I not be with myself, why do I need others or thoughts? I was demoralized and sad. Felt that I will never be comfortable with myself, and I can't face that thought.

I dint want to give up so thought of trying once more. I wandered for a few mins and sat again even if the schedule said I should leave. This time to reduce distraction I chanted OM as loud as I could, there was no one around to hear me. I wanted to stay still for 2 mins even if I have many thoughts. Just 2 mins of sitting which felt impossible. The first few secs were difficult with thoughts and wandering. And then many others came, the only different thing was that I didn't follow the thoughts. They kept coming and going. I just concentrated on the chant. I was lost for a few mins and don't remember any of the thoughts. Finally, I felt I had achieved my 2 mins of stillness and opened my eyes. The scene looked very different. It was almost monochrome with s tinge of blue, almost grey with a shade of blue. Like ash. Not kidding, it was like that all around including the water and trees. For a sec I was worried that the world had changed color. Then rationale kicked in and I realized that I was eyes closed for some time causing this. When I checked to time, It was confirmed, I was off for 20 mins. Seriously 20 mins when the target was 2 mins. The feeling was different and satisfying(not achieving the time but the actual experience), I don't know what it was but kinda empty calm, and still. Like it was just me and no one else. I was not over the moon or happy or sad or glad or anything, I was just still.

It lasted a while and I had to leave, couldn't wait for this feeling to go away. So quickly thanked mother Ganga for everything and this special experience. Prayed for my loved ones with some water in my hand and poured it back in the river. Then prayed to lord shiva for his blessings and care. Got back in my jacket shoes and headed back. In my way back,  I had thoughts but that feeling was decent to move them away.

I had a good chat, and veggie juice returned the bike and got to the hostel. Spoke to the strangers for a few mins. They were getting ready for lunch but I was running late. So did my goodbyes and headed back.

Today was different. I did a conscious decision to be alone, I wanted to spend time with myself, I tried to let my thoughts pass. And yes, I managed to do it for 20 mins. Yes, that's very short but it is a start. I guess I meditate today which is a big deal. I hope I can continue that for a long and be able to be still. After all I'm good company

PS: I might have slept off all 20 mins, who knows. The only thing was that I was chanting at the start and end :D

Misconception!

 Imagine the investors from a private equity group visiting you. The boss is responsible for a large portfolio worth $30bn in the services industry😈. From Vietnam and moved to Swiss as a kid, studied mechanicals, worked in mechanicals, moved to equity as a complete novice, and worked his way to a portfolio head. The general notion is that a cocky, cutthroat, money-driven, showing-off, asshole who doesn't care. Not that bad but I definitely thought they will be very judging and arm's length away. 😈 I was not sure what to expect from the investing board member's visit to India.

What actually happened was completely different. 3 young fresh looking guys walked in with genuine smiles. They looked 30 kinds, especially the big boss, and later found that he is 47.🤪 They were chatty, asking so many questions, keenly listening, and making notes. Not once confronting or disinterested. They shared stories and listened to us. Ate everything we offered and happily enjoyed it🙏. And at the same time very clever questions to highlight things we need to focus on. They remembered everything we said and brought it up in other conversations just to show they heard us and influence our thoughts😅.

They were unlike other investors who don't get involved with employees and only deal with the board. These guys operate differently, unlike other firms. Normal ones give a 100-day plan to start with and then 6 months and so on. They have quarterly reviews to check progress. These guys deep dive into the company and compare reality to what was sold. In parallel, they also do workshops with leadership to brainstorm ideas. Then they give leadership time to reflect on the ideas and choose the ones to implement. Then help the leaders to progress and review monthly to see if anything needs to change. A supervisory board is created to work with the actual board🙏. They have specialist super people in there like CTOs, CEOs, etc from other companies to assist in specific areas. We have a CTO for tech, CEO for sales, and CPO for operation. A very partnership approach to working together.🤗

I was so impressed with how they gelled with all and absolutely made it easy for us. They were personable, jovial, curious, and paid full attention to detail. The boss was incredible. I'm a fan. He gave some simple insights on how he runs his team and what works better. He works a lot but is fully empathetic to his team. He has empowered them well to decide😈. Felt like a super-efficient team and really want to be with them. And the way they ate everything we offered was impressive. Not many can do a banana leaf South Indian meal and they were all over it and finished it with their hands 🤪

Overall a really good couple of days. It was not tense and I learned a lot I can do quickly to bring in efficiency.🤪 One biggest learning was how to look at numbers and partner with teams instead of just reporting later. I think they liked me too, I was efficient, jovial, knew my shit well, confident, helpful, etc🤪. Really good experience. And yes, help clear any misconception about investors😅. Most of them are as human as others, ashte🤷‍♂️ But these guys were better in many aspects, they connected, they learned our ways of working, they inspired!!!

Meshtru!

 Meshtru, teacher, TBH I haven't had great regard for most of my teachers in school or college. For me, teaching is more than just going through subjects and helping me get better at it. It is about grooming a kid to become a better person. Like making them confident, listening, guiding them about what is right/wrong, and being there during tough times, especially for below-average kids. What happened in my student days was the complete opposite. The below-average kids were looked down on, their confidence was shattered by harsh words and almost encouraged to do stupid things. Even though I was decent at studying (but super lazy to read), I did not find any teacher who could make me curious about the subject. 

Stella gang keep telling me how good some of them were but I have no memories of them, so cant consider them to be good or bad. Middle primary was a nightmare. I came from a 'convent' with better English than my teachers I guess and you know how such kids are treated. Like Posh :( Soon I became a local with proper Kannada slang and that was the end of my decent English. I did not have anyone to guide me about books or novels, our librarian was dumb when it came to the knowledge of books and we hardly had any books available. All we ended up was tinkle with suppandi :D

Then high-school happened where the teachers were really bad. They had no idea about the subject and all they wanted us to do was mug up things and vomit on the answer paper. And I was really bad at that. My brain thought in Math, I needed logic, understanding of things, and breaking things down and none of it was available. A small exception was Kannada in 10th Std which made Hale-gannada interesting to me. It had chandassu which had a pattern of writing, yes it had rules and logic like math👍. 

PU in Seshadripuram was decent TBH. The teachers were very knowledgeable and had over 30 yrs of experience. But there was a prob, the class has over 100 students and most of them were in tuition and did not care for the college teaching. The teachers knew it and did not dig deep into any subject. To be fair to them, they did not have the time to complete everything. They did try for the regular students who could not afford tuition. Yes, shady's had a big part-time working students community as it was a morning college. 

Engerrining was a joke. We had very few lecturers thanks to the govt college scene and no idea about what to read. We were given a xeroxed sheet of syllabus and some nerd used to find 80% of it across 10 books and not share it with us lazy bums. I don't know how I read and managed to do well :)

But during this entire period, there was one teacher who stood out. And stood out like a sun in a very gloomy experience I had. And the best part was that he was not supposed to be my teacher and I have not paid a dime for his teaching. He was my neighbor in Mysore (my maternal grandparent's house where I was born) and was one of the most renowned teachers in Mysore, Mr Gopalakrishna. He was Math and Physics teacher in Marimallapas which is the most renowned school/college in Karnataka with so many rank holders. He has written textbooks and was on the board to set the syllabus. I have always called him uncle and not sir.

Most of my school vacations were in Mysore with my cousins. Uncle had 2 kids, Son was almost the age as my oldest cousin and the daughter was 4 yrs older than me and the same age as 2 of my closest cousins. Most days we would spend time in uncle's house playing together. I have written about the kavade game followed by bacchidodu/kai masiyodu. My dominance of the game monopoly (or business as it was locally called) started there. We also tried chess, but carrom was the most famous. They also had a decent garden space for cricket, kallu mannu, tree climbing, etc. Uncle is from a strict brahmin community and is a pure vegetarian. They knew we ate meat but we never discussed it, like ever. Aunty cooked some of the best bhramin food like puliogre, vangi bath, bisi bele bath, mysore pak, etc, and insisted we eat (now you know why we spent most time there). And in most games, uncle used to play with us. He was good in carrom and was a great sport. Not once did he come across as a super senior lecturer to me, he was just uncle. 

For some reason, he did not like tuition and wanted to teach kids in school/college itself. He used to make exceptions for 2-3 kids at home if they are known to him personally or were lacking behind or could not afford school. When the teaching community was making millions (im not kidding, some of them earnt 50 time their salary😱) in the 90s, uncle was super happy with his salary. I could see the fear in his student's face, they were petrified by his presence as he was strict when it came to teaching and did not take any slack. We used to stay away from that room.

When 10th std came, I decided I do not want any tuition, I hated them and was confident ill be able to do well. I was more interested in cricket and watching basketball. Dad was cool about it, mom did not get a say and I was living a lazy life. During dasara vacations, I went to Mysore as usual for almost 20 days. Dad came up with the idea to ask uncle to help me with my math and he agreed. I did not have any reasons to get out of it (all I did in Mysore was sleep 15 hrs, play 4 hrs, eat 3 hrs and roam around). So I was on a crash course and uncle said he will try to cover as much as we can. 

But you know what, I aced it. My math was super good and we cruised through everything real quick. I think I had a couple of days in the end to revise and uncle was surprised at how good I was. He knew I was decent but not that fast in math. While I was in the dreaded room there were few other students who taught. I remember there was this one guy who just did not get it and used to get smacked. Not for his dumbness but for not being attentive. One day I couldn't stop and giggled when he was being disciplined and I got a smack on my head, the only time uncle hit me :) When the vacations were over, he gifted me a question back to work out. I was so confident that ill get 100 in math that dint bothers reading much. On exam day, I panicked and did really badly. I got 68 I think, my worst math score (all 9th and 10th tests I had out of out). I was so mad at myself, I stopped studying for rest of the exams and 1st PU also. Math was my heart and I had lost it. I somehow picked myself up in 2nd PU and knocked it out of the park ;) I did talk to uncle during Dasara vacation and he said I know it well and he has not much to teach :D

My visits to Mysore were reduced from Engg but whenever I was there I made sure I spent time at his house. His daughter who is very close to us got married and relocated to the US, But still, I had it in my routine to go talk to uncle and aunty and it remains the same even now. Food made by aunty is a added incentive ;) 

After retirement, he did try his stint in tuition and made a big name for himself. He also earned well to refurbish his house but in a few yrs he just felt wrong about it. He and his like-minded lecturer friends opened a PU college to teach students. The biggest rule in the college was no one could attend external tutuion and the teachers made sure they taught well. After running it for few years, he retired in his late 70s (standing and talking for hrs every day for 5 decades can take a toll). They still have loads of plants and uncle spends his time with the plants and taking care of the house chores supporting aunty.

What makes uncle is his simplicity and the respect he gets from everyone. He had a luna (with the long seat) for decades and lived a super simple life. He is jovial and always has a nice smile on his face. The impact he has had on his students is wonderful. So many times when we were walking on a busy street in Mysore, his ex-students used to come to talk to him and thank him for his influence. I dont think there can be any better recognition for a teacher than a successful student and I'm sure most of his students are super successful. Today when the teaching world is money minded, he taught us how teaching could be changed by making it better in college and excluding tuition. His college is still running well and is a model others can follow. Still keeps me grounded and I try to influence students for a better future. 

The reason I am writing this blog is sad. Uncle had heart failure last week and was in critical condition. With his daughter in US and son in another town, there was less support. Strange how someone who has supported thousands of kids does not have any to take care. Luckily he is recovering and his daughter and son are back to take care. He might have to go through open heart surgery but might not be viable given he is 84 now. I was supposed to visit but will do it later. I am trying to get a few doctors 2nd opinions in Bangalore. I will visit during the operation and donate blood to him. He has given me such incredible guidance and been a role model to me, a bottle of blood is the least I can do. 

I just hope and pray for his recovery, the world needs many more teachers like uncle. And yes, he is called 'Meshtru' with great respect in my family, he is a teacher every student needs!