Some things are just meant to be and come in your life at the right time, not before, nor late.
Just to give a background N has been a dear friend of mine for over 16 years now and we have spent a lot of time traveling, trekking, etc. He was my flatmate for over a year and is family to me. He and his wife 'S' were the closest to me in Liverpool and my only family there. So much so that kiddo's first sleepover was in their house when he was just 18 months old. Coincidence is that N was the one who got me to work on the project in Liverpool and we both left UK at the same time, he took a transfer to US and I returned to India.
He and his family have been followers of amma and have been associated with the ashram for decades. His wife has been visiting the ashram for over 34 yrs now and was almost raised by amma :) One different thing about them was they never spoke or marketed the ashram, they are very chill and as normal as you can find. Only when you ask, do they get to the details of Amma and the ashram. I have heard a lot of things about amma, especially the spirituality part and philanthropy (seva bhaav). She has helped many villages in times of crisis like earthquakes, floods, tsunamis, etc. The one thing that I was keen to see was how Amma manages to smile and greet people with her hugs for long periods like sometimes it is for over 24 hours. I used to wonder how is it humanely possible to be happy and energetic constantly. I have been wanting to meet amma for over 15 yrs now but somehow it did not happen.
A couple of weeks back N was in town and I spent 3 days with him just meeting old friends and chatting about work and family. When he mentioned his family will be in the ashram for a week, a thot came to my mind of visiting. I had planned leaves to spend time with cousins and if that didn't materialize, I could do something else. Strangely nothing happened with cousins and I just instinctively booked my tickets to Kerala to visit on my own. I dint have any plans (very unlike me) other than to visit amma and N's wife. I dint care how I got there and managed to get 2SL train to Kochi which surprisingly was a good journey.
N picked me up and took me to his sister's place to freshen up. The conversation with his sis and her hubby was so good, all spiritual but practical people, a good combination for discussions. She being a foodie like me, suggested a small hotel in Allepey that served the best buttermilk. The food, fish, and buttermilk were so good, I ended up eating a lot. Like 5 fish fry and a liter of buttermilk, thanks to which i was full for the rest of the day :D
The ashram is on a fisherman's island with one side to the coast and the other side backwaters. It is a simple village with loads of coconut trees and a nice tree cover making it pleasant. The ashram itself is very simple, much more than what I had imagined. There were no big fancy prayer halls, grand temples, or big courtyards. It has grown organically from a small house where amma was born and raised to few buildings, temple, prayer halls, canteens, etc. Nothing fancy, simple rooms with basic needs. We quickly registered and settled in N's parent's room. After freshening up, we went to the meditation hall where amma helps with meditation and bhajans (Everyone can see amma up close on the stage and if they wanted to meet her personally, one needed to go thru the darshan queue). I dono if it was the place or lack of sleep, I was very drowsy and could hardly concentrate. I was very frustrated with my meditation skills. Then it was bhajan time and my love for music and singing got me going. The songs were simple yet effective and helped me enjoy the atmosphere. After that it was darshan time with amma. I forgot to tell that Tue is not normal darshan time, it is for newcomers and others. The ashram has a rule of not more than 2 darshans of amma in a month, I realized the reason for it later.
As i was a newcomer, N took me to the coordinators to get me in the darshan line. Before he realized, I was on the stage seated 2 seats next to amma. One can ask any question to amma and a brahmachari (bri) translator is assigned to help with the conversation. I had given Kannada as my language and a bri assigned to me was looking for me to help translate. I had left the phone in the room and she was not able to reach me. On stage, she somehow found me and asked if I had any questions. I was so blank that I dint think of a question but I dint want to disappoint her and asked bri 'How can i stop overthinking and enjoy the present'. As amma understands Kannada, Bri suggested I ask the question direct to amma. As I got closer, i was filled with joy. Everyone around me was happy, smiling, calm, and helped with anything I wanted. within 5 mins of being with N, I was kneeling in front of amma. She gave me a tight hug and whispered 'my child' in my ear a few times. When I asked my question she laughed and answered in Malayalam. Bri helped me in translating but I was so overwhelmed with joy, I couldn't understand. The crux was for me to put the effort in sadhana and learn to stop thinking, there is not straight answer. I sat behind amma for a few mins just seeing the people who meet her. Almost everyone was smiling or crying, the emotions were high and amma met them with a genuine smile and hug.
I got down from the stage and met N who was shocked that my darshan was so quick, never in his entire life he has seen it so fast. When I proudly said 'I got darshan in 10 mins', N answered 'it actually took 15yrs and 10 mins' :D
Next morning, I visited the beach and sat there for few mins looking at the waves, my fav beach timepass. Later me and N visited the Ayurvedic hospital next to the ashram and I got some medicine for my headache. The doctor said 'sleep and bowel movement is the key indicator of good health' :D At noon we picked up S from the station, had lunch and returned to the ashram.
When S asked me if I want to go to darshan again I said no. I had seen amma sit for 8 hrs straight without moving and greeting everyone and talking to them. I had just met her yday and did not want to take her time, I felt guilty about using her time. S suggested if I want to take a mantra for chanting from amma as I wanted to get better at meditation. That felt reasonable, I could see amma from up close again. I went on stage with S and was asked to wait for some time as the darshan for others had started. I was really taken aback by the kind of strong emotions people felt around amma. Finally, I went to ask about mantra and one of the head bri gave me a card with the instructions. During tht amma saw me and called me closer and gave me the card. It was her way of saying I am ready for it :)
I had to wait for darshan to complete which was late, almost 1am. I was surprised how amma could sit such long hrs without a trace of fatigue and an ever-lasting smile. About the mantra, it is not about religion but spirituality. All these days I was made to believe that we should chant only when we have had a bath, not eating meat, in a clean environment. One of the reasons I could not get fully into it was the lack of such an environment in day-to-day life. Here the instructions were different. First, you choose the deity (eshta devata) for chanting, it could be any god including Jesus or Allah or nature (is it about your wish rather than religion).
When the time came for mantra, we followed a queue to meet amma. Normally amma chanta the mantra in your ears and hugs you. With me, she not only chanted my eshta devata SHIVA mantra but also spoke to me for a few seconds, like how she does during darshana time. She remembered me from yday and knew I had come from far and wanted me to have the experience. S and N were shocked to see how I was treated differently and the experience amma wanted me to have. I had to wait for a senior swamiji to help us with the next steps of the mantra. There was supposed to be someone to explain in English but due to confusion, that samiji had left. So the seniormost swamiji had to finish the instructions in Malayalam and then get to us (me and one more) to explain in English. He started with a sorry for making us wait which was so humble coming from him. At that moment I felt the down-to-earth, not throwing-your-weight culture of the ashram. All were treated the same, all were humble and all did seva. The swamiji explained 4 things:
1. Chant the mantra wherever you can and whenever you can, amma will guide you. You can chant anywhere, while taking a bath, before sleeping, driving, exercising, etc, what matters is finding calmness in day-to-day life.
2. Find the good in ppl, there are at least 2 good things in all, we just need to find it and respect them for that. Even a terrorist has 2 good things, his passion and love for his religion and family
3. Taking a mantra is like accepting amma as a guru, a spiritual guide. And for this, you need to give guru Dakshina. The most beautiful thing I found about this was the guru Dakshina. Amma asks her disciples to help at least 2 people in need as guru dakshina, yes, to wipe the tears of others and nothing else :)
4. Do it with a smile, be happy, let go of bad thots and try to smile
I returned to the room and was chatting with N & S about the experience and how nice it felt. The best part was that I had not planned anything, I just went by my instincts and took this journey. They were very happy about my experience and were surprised about the way i was treated in the ashram. Amma did make it more than worth it for me. That is when S said 'it was meant to be'!!!
I have a long way to go in my spiritual journey and to seek the answer to my question 'How can i stop overthinking and enjoy the present'. Bri found out from S that I did not understand amma's answer and texted me
'Namah Shivaya,
Amma said that whether we laugh or cry days are going to pass by. So why not make a firm decision to be happy. Like all other decisions, happiness is also a decision.
If you tell your beloved, I will love you tomorrow at 12 pm sharp, it is not possible. Love cannot be planned. It is spontaneous, it has to come naturally.
Once you have understood the Tatvam- the spiritual essence or the underlying principle, living in the present moment will come naturally. You should put in the effort, Self- effort is important.'
I feel I am on a good path to finding happiness in the present. I have always been a happy person and chose to be happy at the worst of times. It is time to take it forward live in the present and let the overthinking go :)
PS: this is not a write-up to preach about amma or the ashram or anything else. I am just sharing my experience of the place and it could be very different from others. I have never been a believer in divine people and have been skeptical about godly sadhus. I have heard stories about money involved and how people are brainwashed. I found the ashram nothing like this. Surprisingly, there was not a single place for donation/hundi in the ashram, not even in the temple. There were no expectations of money, the only ask was to help the needy :)
The only thing I would preach here is to make a decision, a decision to be happy :)
Om Namah Shivaya!!!
