Shopping!

A lot of people see shopping as fun, something they enjoy and makes them feel good. It is a stress buster, makes you feel good as you are spending on yourself and it consumes time like nothing. Shopping could be one of the top ways to kill boredom. And yes, you have the latest trends, you look cool in a group, stand out if you have bold choices, and gives you a reason to deck up. So what is wrong with it? Looks perfect right?

I was one of them until 21st Dec 2023. As I wore the brand new clothes for my birthday a small realization changed my view on shopping forever. 

Just to give you a feel of my shopping craze, I have 25+ pairs of shoes, 15+ of caps, 50+ trousers, 25+ shorts, 20+ tracks, 15+ traditional/party wear and an uncountable number of tees and shirts. Before you think I'm an addict, let me tell you that all these were not bought recently, I have collected them over a decade or more. The advantage of not changing waist or shirt size for over a decade now (yes I am boasting now, when you have it, flaunt it :D), I did not have to discard clothes at all. The trends change and come back if you wait long enough. So thanks to my amazing genes and the craze for shopping, I had hoarded a lot of stuff.

On the day of my birthday, I saw I had over 5 shirts and a couple of trousers with the tag on, two of them were from UK, yes, bought 7 yrs ago. This madness had to stop, purely for my laziness. Yes, I just don't want to arrange my wardrobe and I think am old enough now coz mum is not helping (aka doing everything) me with that anymore :) 

So as one of my new year resolutions, I decided not to shop for the entire year. Like all resolutions, I expected it to not start or dwindle away in a few weeks. 

But for this one, I had a plan and I hope it worked. 

1. I sorted my new clothes out to tell me that I have enough new ones for festivals/occasions and my birthday. Yes, I have always had new stuff for my birthday, it is a ritual I don't want to break.

2. I donated the clothes, shoes I definitely did not want to wear. It made more space for the ones hidden to be seen. Suddenly, I had a big wardrobe to choose from. 

3. Made a routine to use the ones from the bottom to rotate it. I have not got this right yet, but it is a journey and ill get there

4. The old ones fitted well giving me a good feel of being in a similar size range. This in turn motivates to workout and maintain it. Again, something I have to get better at.

It was going well and I was able to goto shops with family and friends but avoid buying for myself. I was boasting about my resistance and was surprised by how liberating not shopping felt. 

Then came by biggest test, the last wedding of my generation in my family. It was a big event and everyone went mad with shopping. Like 6 different occasions, loads of pics to take, themes to stick to, etc. Thankfully I had spent over 3 months away from shopping which helped me not get swayed into buying. Again, there was a plan, I dug out all the party/occasion wear I had and put it on display. It was so much, I could manage 4 weddings without repeating. The challenge was to stick to themes where I can and if I couldn't, charm my way by looking like a highlight. 

Me and charm, what can I say, its a part of me ;)

When I went shopping for kiddo, I did get tempted to try a fancy coat but decided against it. The problem with fancy stuff is the lack of reusability, it is a one-time wear and collects dust forever. 

I can proudly say that I managed the wedding without spending even a single rupee in shopping for myself. Something I never thought was possible.

Now that I am 5 months into it, it feels one of the best decisions I made. I have realized shopping is never a stress buster, actually it adds to your stress if it is left loose. You not only spend a lot of hard-earned money but also time, effort and most importantly energy on it. Yes, the energy to choose from the million choices you have, to travel, to plan what you need, to match things, etc. You do not realize how much time and effort goes into it until you stop doing it. 

Stopping shopping has given me so much time and energy back, it feels like a boon. What I am doing with that time and energy is still WIP, but sleeping or lazing around is a good way to conserve energy I feel :))

Clothing being the 2nd most polluting industry, not shopping gives the environmentalist in me a sense of achievement. Yes, I have surprised myself as I never thought I had that kind of grit in me. I did not step into a shop on my trip to UK which was unheard of (I was so used to shopping there, I have bought truckloads and still have a few with tags on). 

It has changed my thoughts on wasting time and helped me think of using it in better ways. I have never liked malls but off late I do not goto clothes stores, I choose book stalls, art (roadside or shops), or just sitting somewhere and chilling even if it means I am just with my thots.

But the biggest impact it has on me is this feeling of liberation. Yes, I feel liberated from the pressure to go with the crowd, liberated from looking a certain way, liberated from outside approval and helped me feel better about myself. I have appreciated the stuff I have and relish them, almost remembering the good times that were spent in them. Instead of buying anything and everything, it has made me think about what I actually need. This along with other life changes (by choice or not) have made me prioritize things better and given me a sense of value.

I actually feel I know what I want and what does not matter. I am trying to spend time and energy on it and stick to it even if I fail miserably at times :)) 

While I say that, I did get something new. I dint buy it and refused it so many times but my cousin insisted on it and I had to budge. When I was helping him shop shoes, we saw this amazing cap that looked very cool on us. He got one and forced me to get one. TBH, I would not have bought it on my own not coz of the resolution, I Have too many caps and this one was too expensive (I don't spend that much on shoes nowadays :D) . I still got it coz my cousin pushed me a lot to get it and it actually looked cool on me. 

And with my new glasses and new shirt I had saved for the occasions, I can humbly admit that I rock it :)

I am not saying that we should stop shopping completely, I don't think I will. I just want to be aware on the money, time and energy I am spending on it and make it a conscious choice. Buy things you actually like and will use them multiple times. I genuinely feel I have control over it and can confidently 'my view on shopping has changed forever'. 

I never knew shopping or the lack of it could help me so much. Try it out, you are worth it!

PS: Unlike what the t-shirt says, it think it should be 'a few special things' :)

La-pata Ladies!

 This one was long pending not coz I was busy or dint have the zeal to write but simple problem of not having a habit. Strange that creating a habit is so hard, but once done, it will last for long. And then breaking from a habit is even harder, no matter how much you try, you fall back into the same old things. Anyways, as long as you are aware of such habits and are thinking about it, you will keep trying to get there. It is ok if it takes yrs, it is not a race :) 

With that totally unrelated context, here we go. Some movies or stories are so simple but yet leave such an impact that they make you think differently. You might not do anything about it most times but it will make you see a different perspective. I saw a movie called 'Laapata Ladies' which actually gave me a very different thought than what most people who saw the movie might have gotten out of it. I almost left writing about it but another movie 'Tarla' made me revisit it. 

So, talking about Tarla Dalal, a housewife who wanted to do 'kuch' out of her life managed to teach cooking to millions of people and help them get things done. "How does learning cooking help get things done?" you might ask? Simple, in India, women not knowing how to cook well is like men not being able to earn or even worse. It is still true to a certain level (super 'successful' women might be an exception, but I doubt it) but in the 90s it was the most important thing. You are looked down on, almost discarded from everything, and are considered not contributing to the family. By learning to cook well, women were able to convince their families about being good mother/daughter-in-law/wife and were allowed to do things that they liked. It is like bribing to get permission to follow something they like (for example being a journalist, continuing dance, working, etc). 

And this taking 'permission' is what made me think about 'Laapataa Ladies' again. Ok, too much of context setting, lets get into the movie first and then my perspective (for the millions of people reading this blog might be bored 'F**k, get to the fuckin point!!!'). 

The movie is about 2 married couples (almost a decade ago when landlines were the main way of communication and very few mobiles were there) traveling back to the groom's village on a train with many newly wedded couples. In a hurry to get down, the main character Deepak grabs someone else's bride Pushpa (thanks to the ghoonghat 'vale' covering her face) and reaches his house to realize it is not his wife. His wife Phook Kumari wakes up later only to realize she is lost.

Phool has never traveled outside her area and hardly knows things about her husband. She knows his village is named after a flower, that's it, no contact info and idea how to get there. She does not want to go back to her village as she is scared people might think she was sent back from her in-law's place and her family will get insulted. She finds a tea shop owner in the station who is a true feminist and helps her for a few days.

Deepak badly wants to find Phool but does not want to tell her family about losing her which will create a big conflict. Instead, he reaches out to the police for help who take him on a ride.

Pushpa who seems to be acting dumb gives a phone number of her village which doesn't work. While they are searching for her village or groom, she is busy going to the nearest town and taking care of a few things.

I would leave the rest of the story for you to watch. It is well represented and shows a good difference in perspectives between different people about a woman's role in society. Well-made simple, sweet, and funny movie.

I just wanted to highlight a few things and look at a different perspective about women in rural India.

- When Deepak gives a police complaint, he gives a picture of Phool in her 'ghoonghat', the face is not seen in any of the pics he has. Such is a situation in many households where the women are not supposed to show their faces, they are hidden from the rest of the men. There is a scene where a Muslim shopkeeper was shocked that Deepak does not have a pic with a face and his wife in a 'bhurka' serves him tea. Just shows it is not restricted to one community. It has changed a lot in some places and worsened in few. 

- Pushpa was not allowed to study more as it is seen as 'ladki haat see nikal jaayegi'. She has a passion for agriculture and wants to learn organic farming but has no way to do it as her mom threatens to commit suicide if she doesn't get married. It is all about how the society will judge their family. A lot of people still think like this but is changing fast, there are more women completing 10th than men in India

- The tea shop owner talks about something so important. Women don't realize how they are contributing to the household and men will not talk about it. This made me think about my village. Almost all women in my village go to work on the farms, it could be on their own farms or as an 'coolie' daily wage workers for others, they earn their money and help the family. Thanks to alcohol and other addictions, many men do not provide for their families and it is the women who run. This is true in urban cities also. It is the women who take care of everything, dream of a better life and work relentlessly to get there. So, what is stopping them from going out there and showing their presence? It is 'maryada', it is about 'what will the society think, how can I tell my hubby is useless?'. Somewhere we need to think about the need for society, It should be to support when needed rather than to judge when things are not 'right'.

So, this is my perspective on this topic. Rural women do way more than anyone in the cities (especially men in the cities), even with all their restrictions, lack of support, and constant demotivation. They are much more independent than we think. Yes, they might not know their husband's village name but they go out in the dark for toilets, to work in farms, have their small businesses, they fend from predators (men can be assholes and even though judiciary rules are there, the society rules are against women), they fight for their kids future,  are bold enough to travel and survive in an unknown place, make a living out of it. Im sure you might think I am going a bit too far with 'Rural women do way more than anyone in the cities' but I genuinely feel that is true. I have seen many women and men who do not take public transport or travel late, considering it unsafe. Many urban women quit work after some time for various reasons causing a huge loss of knowledge and workforce. I have seen rural women travel from villages and go back daily. It is just the lack of experience and not fear that is holding them back. With the right awareness and guidance, there is so much more they can offer and I am truly excited about the revolution the rural women can bring to our society. I am not putting down urban women or anyone else here, I am just looking at the potential we have in rural India.

Yes, the movie did not make me feel bad for our rural women, it made me look forward to what they will achieve. Yes, they will achieve, I can bet on it!

PS: I dint know what the title should be. I called it 'La-pata' with the hope that we would go in search of such ladies to learn from them.