There is one episode 'Aberfan' from The Crown that had big an impact on me than any other series. This was about the mining disaster in the UK where the debris from a mine engulfed a school killing more than 60 school kids. It was national news with everyone visiting the disaster site to provide help. The Queen does not visit in the start as it is not a normal practice and after pressure from the papers, the Queen eventually visits them. She manages to meet some of the parents and shed tears with them. After her return, she confesses that she could not cry even in such a difficult sad situation and pretended to do so. She says something which I could absolutely relate to.
"It is easier to be angry and ignoring than to be sad. It is easy to deal with than show your emotions". How can you not cry when you see these helpless parents losing their young kids, their only hope probably you may ask? Some people are like that, they can't shed tears or show their sadness. They do not know how to deal with it and build a fort around them. I am one such person who just couldn't cry. So much so, I did not shed tears when my grand ma passed away whereas my entire family was an absolute mess. Even if I'm going through tough times, I would never show it fearing that I can't recover from a breakdown. I might not be as bad as the Aberfan episode, but I am not the one who can deal with sadness easily.
I do not know when this transition happened. I do remember crying even in high school times but thinking about it, wasn't for things that effected my emotional status. Probably for something I did not get or some fight I had. I realized that I cannot shed tears or show my emotions when I was 23 and a close friend and my dear uncle passed away within a span of a few days. Tears wouldn't roll my face and I was an absolute mess inside. Everyone saw me being strong and ignorant whereas I was broken, I did not want to go out and show my plain face to others when everyone was grieving. I hated myself for being so cool about it and thought I had no emotions. I chose ignorance over anger as I couldn't be angry about anything for long. I have always seen the good in people than the bad.
And being a prankster and always laughing gave a good camouflage. So much so, that I was known to be an absolute arrogant happy carefree person in college and almost everyone hated me for the teasing, irritating person I was. Also, my college days were probably one of the worst times of my personal life and none of my closest friends knew what I was going through. I must have been good at suppressing my emotions and would never talk about it to anyone. Letting my guard down wasn't an option for me.
It doesn't mean I do not care or I don't feel bad. I do manage to be a good helping hand and stick around to give my support, but there are times I just can't help and have to stay away. Off late, I have tried to deal with sadness rather than brushing it under the carpet. I have to be honest, I am not good at it and you can see it on my face. I end up being an absolute disaster and people around me cant handle it. Imagine a happy-go-lucky cheerful guy being miserable for no visible reason. It is also true that the most cheerful guys are also the most emotional but in my case not being able to show it makes it a double whammy 😅 Even now people see me being absolutely cool and think how emotionless, self-centered I am. Not many know I have mastered the act of getting busy (having fun being a part of a big group) and not giving solitude time to myself and letting the emotions take over.
This is something I need to work on and go through sadness instead of ignoring it. Ignoring does not make it go away but just hides it for a while. It impacts how you see things and stays with you forever. There is a long way ahead of me to embrace sadness and show it in public. At least I am thinking about it and trying it out which is a good start 😆
No one is perfect!! But I always said, I was perfect 👿👿 I'm such an oxymoron 😂😂 (you see what I did there, brushed everything aside and became jovial 😜)
Note: The Queen ends up visiting Aberfan for a long and spends time with the families who lost kids which shows that she did care.
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